The day Ben died, a huge part of my heart did too. I had never felt more alone in the world. My saving grace, the one willing to defend me even when I might be wrong, was gone. Forever. I thought back to all the times we had discussed death, lightheartedly, and realized that it was those conversations that would pull me through the next few days, the funeral, seeing his mother again except this time her baby would be dead and gone. That horrible thing I had unknowingly predicted a year before. Just a few days before I had seen her while sitting with Ben in his room, I couldn't fathom the pain she must have felt, but I had a good idea.
This beautiful mother, the mother that still wore her hair long and freely flowing. Her long blond locks just like Ben's when he still had his mop. She was still the same person I knew I would be at her age, just as she had been for many years before. The same mother that spend so much time loving other kids, kids who didn't have a parent so caring or understanding as her.
How could I comfort her? I was barely holding me together. Ben and I had discussed how we wanted to be cremated when we died. So he was. It was hard to be at the funeral home without seeing him there. It was then I came to full realization that the person is the impression they leave behind on you, no more. Certainly not the "body." With that gone, I still did feel the presence of my friends. I'd never visit another grave site as I had been doing for Steve... because I realized with great impact, that my loved ones were not there. Not in any way more than a literal sense. I went through that funeral with blinders on. I offered the comfort to those who I knew needed it. Diane, Ben's mom, who was smiling and trying to maintain, took one look at me and she could see the lost look on my face, it broke her heart in half, and I seen all of it on her face. I was partially ashamed of myself for causing her more pain, but also relieved that she knew how very much I had loved him in those moments.
A week after Ben died, a friend I hadn't spoke to for about 3 months called my mothers house and begged for my new number. My mother always wary about giving out my number sensed the urgency in her voice and gave it to her. She called. The conversation was almost exactly this.
Joy, I have to tell you something. I know you might not be ready to hear this but I have to. I had a dream about Ben last night. (She dreamed of Ben??? She hardly knew him) He told me a couple of things in this dream. He told me to tell you it was ok, he is ok. He told me to tell you he is there for you, now and forever. Those were his words Joy, Now and forever. But you have to let him rest Joy, he cant be there for you when you are so angry at the world and blocking everyone out. You're blocking him out too you know. In tears and anger I ended the conversation immediately. Her and her crazy dreams and life in the clouds that enabled her to sleep with herself at night. Ignore it. But what if..
Id never block him out! But was I? Was my inability to see into a future without my best friend enough to keep his warm knowledge and impressions from comforting me? Teaching me something valid and important?
Then inevitably, someone had to try to make me see gods side of it. But even in those moments when some people may feel weak enough to allow the thoughts, my brain still railed against it. Make sense of it you ask me? Even if I believed I'd still have to ask....
How can "God" be so cruel? Sure yea, Ive heard about how sometimes God takes his angels back to heaven earlier then earthly beings expect. But fuck that and fuck you God, that was my angel you took. Faith? You wish me to have faith in someone who would rob me of the other half of the soul I had after Steve died? Leave me here to suffer the abuse alone? Take from me the only person in my world who felt my life was worth saving. Why the fuck not take me? I'm the bitter one, I'm the ugly one, I'm the one that hates you. I am a far more questionable human being. You could have taken me and sent me straight to hell to teach me a lesson if that is what it's all about. Instead, you took from earth a good man, one who would be a better parent then I could ever be. One who loved and honored and obeyed his parents. Maybe that's why this world of yours is so fucked up.
Good job.
This beautiful mother, the mother that still wore her hair long and freely flowing. Her long blond locks just like Ben's when he still had his mop. She was still the same person I knew I would be at her age, just as she had been for many years before. The same mother that spend so much time loving other kids, kids who didn't have a parent so caring or understanding as her.
How could I comfort her? I was barely holding me together. Ben and I had discussed how we wanted to be cremated when we died. So he was. It was hard to be at the funeral home without seeing him there. It was then I came to full realization that the person is the impression they leave behind on you, no more. Certainly not the "body." With that gone, I still did feel the presence of my friends. I'd never visit another grave site as I had been doing for Steve... because I realized with great impact, that my loved ones were not there. Not in any way more than a literal sense. I went through that funeral with blinders on. I offered the comfort to those who I knew needed it. Diane, Ben's mom, who was smiling and trying to maintain, took one look at me and she could see the lost look on my face, it broke her heart in half, and I seen all of it on her face. I was partially ashamed of myself for causing her more pain, but also relieved that she knew how very much I had loved him in those moments.
A week after Ben died, a friend I hadn't spoke to for about 3 months called my mothers house and begged for my new number. My mother always wary about giving out my number sensed the urgency in her voice and gave it to her. She called. The conversation was almost exactly this.
Joy, I have to tell you something. I know you might not be ready to hear this but I have to. I had a dream about Ben last night. (She dreamed of Ben??? She hardly knew him) He told me a couple of things in this dream. He told me to tell you it was ok, he is ok. He told me to tell you he is there for you, now and forever. Those were his words Joy, Now and forever. But you have to let him rest Joy, he cant be there for you when you are so angry at the world and blocking everyone out. You're blocking him out too you know. In tears and anger I ended the conversation immediately. Her and her crazy dreams and life in the clouds that enabled her to sleep with herself at night. Ignore it. But what if..
Id never block him out! But was I? Was my inability to see into a future without my best friend enough to keep his warm knowledge and impressions from comforting me? Teaching me something valid and important?
Then inevitably, someone had to try to make me see gods side of it. But even in those moments when some people may feel weak enough to allow the thoughts, my brain still railed against it. Make sense of it you ask me? Even if I believed I'd still have to ask....
How can "God" be so cruel? Sure yea, Ive heard about how sometimes God takes his angels back to heaven earlier then earthly beings expect. But fuck that and fuck you God, that was my angel you took. Faith? You wish me to have faith in someone who would rob me of the other half of the soul I had after Steve died? Leave me here to suffer the abuse alone? Take from me the only person in my world who felt my life was worth saving. Why the fuck not take me? I'm the bitter one, I'm the ugly one, I'm the one that hates you. I am a far more questionable human being. You could have taken me and sent me straight to hell to teach me a lesson if that is what it's all about. Instead, you took from earth a good man, one who would be a better parent then I could ever be. One who loved and honored and obeyed his parents. Maybe that's why this world of yours is so fucked up.
Good job.
i can't really say anything right now except that i empathize w/ you. i'm crying too hard to mention Crai or anything surrounding that, but i am so sorry. i'm always at a stupid loss of words @ something like this when i should be able to have something to say.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for commenting on my blog and i hope you continue to because i don't think you realize how much what you and JR (other anonymous) mean to me, how much it makes me think. some days, it's what gets me through. i'll shut up for now...
I definately plan to keep up with your blog Stacy. After I posted to it earlier I read a bit more, and I realized that you have fought the same tremendous battles I have, yours was a parent and I cant compare anything to that. I was adopted so I have 2 mothers and 2 fathers. My biological mother died 5 years after I finally met her. Its still not the same and I know, but the pain, the loss and the hole left by it is the same. My friends were my parents in essence, Bens mom was my mom for quite a few important years of my life. With the deaths of my two best friends in the world I learned one very important lesson.
ReplyDeleteYou have to say it, you have to spit it out. Good or bad, when you see something bad, call it out. When you see something good, make sure it knows its good. 12 years ago, I would have read your blog and moved on to something else online. I stopped and commented because I learned from those horrible losses that you HAVE to say it, stranger or not, or you have no chance at winning the battle you fight with yourself eternally. I do not fear death, I fear one thing and one thing only.
I fear I will be laying on my deathbed one day, and I will remember one time, one instance, when I should have, could have, said or done something, hard or simple, to let someone know something they needed to hear. I fear that I will remember that one guy, with the great smile that I "thought" may like me but I wasnt sure so I just let him move on, never knowing what could have been. And I fear losing another human being in my life without letting them know all they are worth to me or to the world.
I didnt intend to upset you at all, but try to remember that tears are what reminds us that we are still alive, and that we remember.