Me, Ben and Amanda (his girlfriend) all went to her house on that day and just sat around, blaring music and relaxing. A couple other friends came over to chill with us. As always, time passed quickly when having fun with my best friend. It soon became late and I called home to let Doug know I was on my way. As I heard him talking, all slurred speech and annoyed with me I was a bit worried he was going to rage on me when I got home. Always with the "guys and girls cant be friends without having sex" thing, he never really liked me going out with Ben, even though Ben and I worked together, hell, we ran the plant together. And I knew with him being drunk and angry with me it could be ugly when I got there. Ben seen the worried look on my face. "Im following you home." He had done this so many times for me I didn't even speak, just nodded and felt very grateful. He knew that Doug had been abusive to me in the past and would never have allowed himself to be the cause of that, if he had any control over it. Around midnight we got to my house. Ben and Amanda came in with me and we made some small talk with Doug. Ben was very imposing. He never outright threatened Doug but I could always tell in his stance when he was ready to rage if he had to. That night we discussed me, Ben and Amanda going out the next morning/afternoon. Ben was going to come pick me up so I wouldnt have to drive all the way to Roanoke again. We were going to be helping Amanda's brother pack and take him out for lunch for his last day in Roanoke for a while. He was going to be starting college soon and wanted to get to where he was going and settled in before he started in the fall, (and of course party on his new campus before he had to break down and work his ass off in school). We agreed he would pick me up around noon. Always protecting me, Ben stayed until Doug actually went to bed.
He never ever harrassed me about being with Doug. He never told me I was stupid for staying. Oh, I was very stupid for staying, but he would have never said so. He only did what he could, protect me from Doug, and a bit from myself. Feeling safe with Doug asleep and secure knowing if something DID happen, Ben would swiftly come to my house and beat Dougs ass if he had to, I went to bed.
On the morning of March 13th 2001, Ben took Amanda's brother to wal-mart to get him some extra items he would need for the trip to school. Amanda stayed at home to wait for him to return so they could come get me. It was only Ben and Amanda's brother there that morning, so I suppose no one but those two know exactly what happened.... but I firmly believe he had been shooting that morning. He did keep his word to me by stopping the shooting for several months after our previous discussion the summer before, but he also hid from me the fact that he still did it from time to time. Almost home, there was a set of train tracks Ben had to cross at the end of Buck Mountain Road. Left to his house, right to Amanda's, A T shaped intersection with a stop sigh immediately after the tracks. Ben was superstitious a bit so whenever he crossed train tracks he lifted his feet from the floorboard of the car. You can NOT go more then 25 miles per hour over those tracks, or you would slam right into the phone pole or the house that sat at that top bar of the T intersection. Ben grew up here, he drove over these tracks for years and years. Somehow, crossing those tracks that morning, he went into the ditch. This ditch... it isnt deep enough to cover my head if I stood in it. Im five foot 3. And it isnt wide or long enough to fit a bus in. Somehow, Bens car went into this ditch. Flipping over, he was ejected from the car. The car landed on him. He did not die instantly, I dont know how long he lay there suffering, but Amanda's brother got out unscathed. And was there with Ben when he did pass. He would never really talk about the accident to anyone. Im sure it cut him deeply, and into silence.
Ben wrecking like that..... was amazing to me. This was a guy with whom him and I used to take breaks from work at Plastics One, right across those same tracks, and we would speed through the back roads of Southwest, and laugh at the danger of it. We even made a game out of trying to guess what pieces of his car flew off when we hit bumps too hard and seen pieces fly. Sure, thats stupid as hell, but thats the kind of relationship we had. He would push the limits, trying to scare me, and I would show him he couldnt. But wreck? He was an incredible driver. Wreck at 25 miles per hour. Impossible, unless you were nodding in and out of a heroin haze. No, he didnt overdose, and Amanda's brother said he was very awake when the car flipped. I'll never forget the call.
Around 11 am Amanda called me. I could hear the strain in her voice. It is like people say when something horrific happens, slow motion, surreal. "Joy, Ben wont be able to pick you up today." "That sucks, I was looking forward to it, why not what are you guys going to get into?" "Nothing Joy, Ben is dead." And thinking back on how cruel my next words to her must have seemed, I feel horrible. But I was so in denial, no way my angel was dead. Angels dont die. They live to protect those who need it. I needed it desperately. "Amanda, dont fuck with me like that, thats fucking sick." "Joy, Id never fuck with you about that or about Ben, hes dead Joy, hes gone, forever."
She broke down, I broke down, she told me how he had died and we hung up. I remember laying on my couch, saying over and over, silently at first, until I was screaming in between sobs, Bens dead...... Bens dead. At that very moment I wanted to be dead with him. Doug rushed in to see what I was screaming about. Once he heard, he fell to his knees in front of me, and I know with my heart and soul he was feeling so guilty, about the accusations, about not trusting me and Ben together. I didnt care. I wanted death, and I wanted it that very moment. I wanted to follow Ben quickly to the other side, wherever that is, and be there with him forever. I felt hollowed out. I felt empty beyond words and comprehension. I felt completely soulless. My world was black, void, nothing in it worth even opening my eyes to look at. There was a song that I played, over and over, that kept me sane. It kept me crying, but crying I knew kept me alive. There was no emotion I felt besides pain. It still hurts, fresh, like it was yesterday he left me. That week, the funeral, that month, that year.... was a haze for me. A cold and angry haze. I felt so much hatred and venom for anyone and everyone. None of them could replace him in my heart, ever. I withdrew, not even into myself... just away. Another world, another place where best friends didnt die, and good mothers didnt lose their babies.
Im still trying to let Ben go. It seems impossible even today. I will never forget him, or let his memory, or the incredible person he was fade from my heart. But I feel like my pain is his, and I'm scared to stop hurting for him, as if stopping would cause him to have never existed.
He never ever harrassed me about being with Doug. He never told me I was stupid for staying. Oh, I was very stupid for staying, but he would have never said so. He only did what he could, protect me from Doug, and a bit from myself. Feeling safe with Doug asleep and secure knowing if something DID happen, Ben would swiftly come to my house and beat Dougs ass if he had to, I went to bed.
On the morning of March 13th 2001, Ben took Amanda's brother to wal-mart to get him some extra items he would need for the trip to school. Amanda stayed at home to wait for him to return so they could come get me. It was only Ben and Amanda's brother there that morning, so I suppose no one but those two know exactly what happened.... but I firmly believe he had been shooting that morning. He did keep his word to me by stopping the shooting for several months after our previous discussion the summer before, but he also hid from me the fact that he still did it from time to time. Almost home, there was a set of train tracks Ben had to cross at the end of Buck Mountain Road. Left to his house, right to Amanda's, A T shaped intersection with a stop sigh immediately after the tracks. Ben was superstitious a bit so whenever he crossed train tracks he lifted his feet from the floorboard of the car. You can NOT go more then 25 miles per hour over those tracks, or you would slam right into the phone pole or the house that sat at that top bar of the T intersection. Ben grew up here, he drove over these tracks for years and years. Somehow, crossing those tracks that morning, he went into the ditch. This ditch... it isnt deep enough to cover my head if I stood in it. Im five foot 3. And it isnt wide or long enough to fit a bus in. Somehow, Bens car went into this ditch. Flipping over, he was ejected from the car. The car landed on him. He did not die instantly, I dont know how long he lay there suffering, but Amanda's brother got out unscathed. And was there with Ben when he did pass. He would never really talk about the accident to anyone. Im sure it cut him deeply, and into silence.
Ben wrecking like that..... was amazing to me. This was a guy with whom him and I used to take breaks from work at Plastics One, right across those same tracks, and we would speed through the back roads of Southwest, and laugh at the danger of it. We even made a game out of trying to guess what pieces of his car flew off when we hit bumps too hard and seen pieces fly. Sure, thats stupid as hell, but thats the kind of relationship we had. He would push the limits, trying to scare me, and I would show him he couldnt. But wreck? He was an incredible driver. Wreck at 25 miles per hour. Impossible, unless you were nodding in and out of a heroin haze. No, he didnt overdose, and Amanda's brother said he was very awake when the car flipped. I'll never forget the call.
Around 11 am Amanda called me. I could hear the strain in her voice. It is like people say when something horrific happens, slow motion, surreal. "Joy, Ben wont be able to pick you up today." "That sucks, I was looking forward to it, why not what are you guys going to get into?" "Nothing Joy, Ben is dead." And thinking back on how cruel my next words to her must have seemed, I feel horrible. But I was so in denial, no way my angel was dead. Angels dont die. They live to protect those who need it. I needed it desperately. "Amanda, dont fuck with me like that, thats fucking sick." "Joy, Id never fuck with you about that or about Ben, hes dead Joy, hes gone, forever."
She broke down, I broke down, she told me how he had died and we hung up. I remember laying on my couch, saying over and over, silently at first, until I was screaming in between sobs, Bens dead...... Bens dead. At that very moment I wanted to be dead with him. Doug rushed in to see what I was screaming about. Once he heard, he fell to his knees in front of me, and I know with my heart and soul he was feeling so guilty, about the accusations, about not trusting me and Ben together. I didnt care. I wanted death, and I wanted it that very moment. I wanted to follow Ben quickly to the other side, wherever that is, and be there with him forever. I felt hollowed out. I felt empty beyond words and comprehension. I felt completely soulless. My world was black, void, nothing in it worth even opening my eyes to look at. There was a song that I played, over and over, that kept me sane. It kept me crying, but crying I knew kept me alive. There was no emotion I felt besides pain. It still hurts, fresh, like it was yesterday he left me. That week, the funeral, that month, that year.... was a haze for me. A cold and angry haze. I felt so much hatred and venom for anyone and everyone. None of them could replace him in my heart, ever. I withdrew, not even into myself... just away. Another world, another place where best friends didnt die, and good mothers didnt lose their babies.
Im still trying to let Ben go. It seems impossible even today. I will never forget him, or let his memory, or the incredible person he was fade from my heart. But I feel like my pain is his, and I'm scared to stop hurting for him, as if stopping would cause him to have never existed.
In loving memory of
Benjamin Royden Campbell
10/30/77 - 03/13/01
Benjamin Royden Campbell
10/30/77 - 03/13/01
"I never wanted to write these words down for you. With the pages of phrases of things we will never do. So I blow out the candle, and I put you to bed. Since you cant say to me now, how the dog broke your bone, theres just one thing left to be said.... say hello to heaven."
I'll keep you by my side...
ReplyDeleteSomeday... i might accept the idea that i'm worth a damn. All i have to offer is friendship. You've shown me much, you've told me many inspiring words; i feel that somehow i haven't done my best. I feel that i could be a better friend... i just don't know how.
As for Laura... i've given up my foolish thoughts. It's apparent now that she is used to guys throwing themselves at her. I did, in a covert way. Now however, i see things differently. Shes fun to be around yes, but i don't like her in the same way. Giving up is maybe the best thing i've done in this type of situation. Now, i don't feel like i have to impress her, like i have some great secret to hide. I don't have something to hide anymore... and i don't feel the same for her anymore. It seems that between us theres friendship, not a deep, personal friendship, but one that may only run skin deep. I've seen it like that before... hell, been ignored when someone else more important comes along. This time around, i won't feel crushed like i did before... i know it will happen again, but this time, i don't give a damn anymore.
After reading that... I can't rightly explain how that makes me feel. Happy, glad, lucky... so much more. Call it strange, but i can see now, see us both as kids around my age talking on that deck about anything and everything. Of course i'd be doing more nodding than talking, thats just what i do. But i can see it so vividly. I can close my eyes and see it all, the cool breeze, the clear sky, the bright stars. I have been the one kid on the deck at parties, hearing the jumbled mess of voices and music from inside, but not really listening to it... feeling lonely on that deck, out of place.
How i wished then the exact same thing you've explained would happen. Thats most likely why i can see it so vividly in my mind, i've played it out in my head so many times before... but never could confirm in my mind, that anybody around me would do that, that they would leave from their social group and notice me. You make me feel like i belong, like theres a place i can go and be accepted... i sincerely want to thank you... but that doesn't seem like enough.
See now heres the good part... Ready??
ReplyDeleteSee, it might take weeks, months or years, but one night, you WILL be at that party, gazing at the stars and feeling alone, and then she will come out there, and everything will make a lot more sense at that moment.. kind of like that moment everything goes click. Maybe its slightly depressing to realize I havent heard that click yet, not in the form of a mate, but the fact that I could experience it at anytime, anywhere, is a lot of reason to keep on going when I have no urge to at all.
Know what I mean?
Lol that 'us standing on the deck' part... i was thinking more along the lines of me and you standing there as friends and chatting about the kind of stuff we do now.
ReplyDeleteSo was I
ReplyDelete