I found a poem that I wrote in pieces about the death of Robbie. It seems to me, reading it now, that I felt even then the deathmarch wasnt over yet. During this time I wrote this were those many long nights Steve and I sat in his car in front of my house. The words are a bit more then haunting now that I look back. I had no one at this time who was closer to me then Steve....
1-26-93
Into the dead of night I seek,
The lost soul I am destined to greet.
And if all thoughts were ever known,
Heart so hard it hardly shone.
4-11-93
Words may come and thoughts may go,
And in your heart you'll never know,
Who may stay and who may go,
Why do I feel that I may know?
It will be he who never knows,
The love my heart will someday show.
My faith in him will never roam,
From his warm soul, Ill call my own.
Just under 2 months before Steve died that I wrote that last part. Maybe Ive figured out a small part of why his death was so hard on me. It seems like to me, that in my heart Steve would have been a friend forever. I never really thought it would be more, but my own words seem to indicate that I did. Maybe it was my soul speaking. Perhaps again, this was my "great love", and my heart knew it even when my head didnt. Maybe this explains some of the confusion in my own heart over the loss. I dont even know... sighz.
1-26-93
Into the dead of night I seek,
The lost soul I am destined to greet.
And if all thoughts were ever known,
Heart so hard it hardly shone.
4-11-93
Words may come and thoughts may go,
And in your heart you'll never know,
Who may stay and who may go,
Why do I feel that I may know?
It will be he who never knows,
The love my heart will someday show.
My faith in him will never roam,
From his warm soul, Ill call my own.
Just under 2 months before Steve died that I wrote that last part. Maybe Ive figured out a small part of why his death was so hard on me. It seems like to me, that in my heart Steve would have been a friend forever. I never really thought it would be more, but my own words seem to indicate that I did. Maybe it was my soul speaking. Perhaps again, this was my "great love", and my heart knew it even when my head didnt. Maybe this explains some of the confusion in my own heart over the loss. I dont even know... sighz.
I Realllly don't have any reassuring words. I'm not any good at that.
ReplyDeleteIt's going to sound like bullshit, and it even sounds better in my head, so here it goes. There will always be that one person just out of reach. I've found my one person, and it looks like this one person is going to remain a friend. Yeah, i'm young and certainly foolish, but i have some concept on what love is.
And then reality comes back. It's not a bad thing, i can smile about it, and continue being her friend. Lol of course it seems depressing, but i spent several months on that shit and much more past that being depressed. Fuck that.
After so long of deep, dark thoughts, i can think of the same things and find the lighter side. So what if i can't be with her, i can still be her friend. Thats certainly better than nothing. One hell of a lot better than nothing. So what if i might end up old and alone, i've lived my life, and the least i can do is smile about it.
What i'm getting at Joy, is we all have our times of deep thought, and you certainly have been through a lot. Theres no doubt it adds to the mental burden of what ifs. Lol as above, young and foolish is all i am, maybe even a bit dumb, it works for me, but after that shit i've gone through lately, i can't help but see the lighter side of things. I'm not trying to make light the horrible tragedies that occur, just think of the good things before what happened.
I'm not good with words, being quiet is what i do best, and thats what i'll do now :)