There are some times that it is just too easy to slip back into those deep, dark shadows. A familiar place, a newly found old item, or an old, cherished face. I've spent time trading illusions for reality and learned that no matter how much time you spend in that eternal circle of avoidance, reality will still be waiting for you when you leave that feigned happy place.
There is the other option too. Living firmly in reality and only escaping to the illusion when it's 'okay', you aren't needed otherwise, no one will notice if you lay their burdens down a moment, and check on your own for a while. Unfortunately for me, I've always had to fight tooth and nail for those moments, but I'm determined enough that failure, or giving in, doesn't haunt my vocabulary or thoughts too often. (If you are some of the few who have been reading this for 8 years now you are allowed to snicker lightly) Even on a mad game of whack-a-mole, the fucking timer eventually runs out.
Imagine
I can't even imagine what, who, where I would be right now if things had gone drastically differently. The only thing I can imagine is that I would be better. I know I wouldn't have spent the 8 years in reflection that this entire blog represents. I'm not sure I can say this has made me 'better.' I know it has gained me knowledge, perhaps even some wisdom, but at times, even those gains are most questionable when I consider the losses that caused them.
I know we are all alone. We are. Each of us. We are born alone, we will die alone. Those are two things that cannot be shared with another being, ever. If life has so many great mysteries, death is life's great secret. Just like any other secret, we like to ponder and presume, question and inspect what it may be all about.
Weird that this song had always reminded me of him so. Yet until today, I had never seen the video. It was kind of gut punch shocking to see that the lead, Kevin Martin, looked eerily like Ben. Very much so. Strange indeed, I am actually glad I never knew that until today. No doubt this song meant a lot to me, I did name my book after it, and of course, the thoughts and words behind it. Now it just reminds me of Justin. Feels like I can almost hear Ben saying, "About fucking time."
I think for me, the last straw, Ben, broke something in me indefinitely. Forever, it is just gone. It also amazes me to realize I ever really had it. Like the song says, "I've lost my mind."
I didn't start life off with that- a true bonded partner or friend. I started a lot more alone than a lot of lost others did. I never really had a strong bond with either of my parents, not at a young age. I always sensed a difference, one I was old enough to notice, I also noticed the many differences that were too hard not to. I did have a lot of friends though. A lot, and also very few. I have never really had a shortage of people who carelessly called me friend, I have always been able to count my true treasures on one hand, often if there were digits missing.
Sure, I have the friends I can ask for favors from, and they can ask them of me. That is a wonderful thing, but it hardly compares to having friends whom you never need ask a thing from, those who just know. Really, how many of those can there actually be?
The past is never far
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